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Friday, May 28, 2010

Do heartburn pregnant women really squeeze out hair babies?

When I found out I was pregnant I thought my only problem was going to be shaving my legs when my bump became so big that I couldn't see my feet. Seriously, it's a hazard trying to shave your legs because a) you're in a wet, slippery tub daring you to slip, b) you've got this insanely huge uterine protrusion, and c) you're handling a weapon - the blades of the razor. Why did man make it so women had hair on her legs? Why?!

Sure, I could've waxed but what pregnant woman has the time or energy to shower, get dressed decent enough for the general public, and drive to a waxing appointment just to be even more uncomfortable lying on her back with a 20 extra pounds pressing on her spine? Plus, there's just no way I was going to wax my own legs. It would be just as bad as trying to shave my legs - trust me, I tried.

Anyway, that's not what this post is about. It's about that other discomfort and sneaky little problem. The one where you sometimes curse the day you became pregnant because not only do you have a little alien squirming inside of you kicking your lungs and headbutting your bladder, you also have to deal with that sinister burning feeling you get after eating. Yeah, heartburn.

Many a wise woman warned me about how the sneaky rat that is heartburn would creep its way into my last trimester along with many other warnings of pains and discomforts but I thought they were nuts. Why would a pregnant woman get heartburn or any discomfort? They're carrying a sweet little angel inside of them - they are a sacred temple that is immune from anything bad. I mean, don't they just stay inside a little bubble anyway and then come out when the baby shoots out? It's like double gestation, the mama is in her own little incubator of pregnant bliss and the baby gets to swim happily inside of the happy incubated mommy. Pregger women are sacred, Babies R Us has designated parking spots to prove it - even my hometown grocery store.

Heck no! I should've heeded those women and their loving advice. Their sweet, sweet loving advice.

Anyway, my first trimester I vomited enough to fill a dump truck, my second trimester I epic leg cramps, and my last trimester I was discontented with heartburn, acid reflux, the ole stomach and esophogeal 1,2 knock out! Babies should be delivered via a stork.

The vomiting I could handle ok since all I needed to do was pop a cracker in my mouth and I was good. The leg cramps were annoying but tolerable but the heartburn. Nah-uh! It took a toll on my because I could no longer enjoy my favorite foods, Thai, Mexican, Chinese, Indian, and fried chicken. I love fried chicken - even had it at my baby shower but I paid. I paid bad for eating the friend chicken at my baby shower. At the time I didn't take anything because I was paranoid about any lingering chemicals that might've been in an antacid because some brands contain aluminum or aspirin or are high in sodium (and who needs another swollen appendage?) so I just switched my diet to just plain foods and eating small portions.

If only I had known about Brainard's Natural Remedies (my son is almost two now) back then I think I would've had a more enjoyable and carnivorous last trimester. I use it now though whenever I eat something that I know that will release the stomach acid demons. It tastes surprisingly yummy too. So it's like candied relief.

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